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  • Writer's picturenautia giles

Softness by Sunrise: Journey to 30 Part 2.

Updated: May 12, 2023


12/6/22- Two days before my 33rd birthday

Heartbroken- I woke up suddenly from a nightmare heartbroken as tears poured down my face. Tears from the patterns that have happened over and over and over again. The pattern that started in December of 2019. My life fell apart before my eyes, yet I couldn’t see. My lovely rose colored glasses were distorting everything…or was I just desperate to be loved, prove my worth and not be abandoned yet again? December 2019 started with resentment and confusion as to why I spent the last holiday alone if I was freshly in love and domesticated. I’d never wanted to be that person. I lost myself in it. Parts of myself I still struggle to regain. She’s in here, she simply needs more coaxing to realize that it’s safe to reemerge. My independence was shattered, she was my most important value. I identified as Nautia who loves Colter, instead of Nautia who puts her self-love before anyone and anything. I was a beautifully whole person prior to my first love. I will always be that beautiful person. Putting love first was a mistake that was necessary for my growth and understanding. Understanding of what was important and how to never lose it again. I’d imagine it’s a mistake most women make when they fall in love for the very first time. for some reason, I thought I was immune to it, because aren’t you an “adult adult” at age 30? I’m still working on forgiving myself fully 3 years later, that’s the toughest part. I’m still deeply saddened by the things I condoned and “let happen to me”.

* My therapist would correct me by saying “these things happened to you, you weren’t consciously accepting mistreatment”.

 

"I would soon recognize that I was entering a childhood trauma bond relationship that would decimate all of the mental health work I’d done over the last few years."

Saddness- Often the sadness consumes me. It has for most of my life. I thought 2019 was going to be my year of change. I finally felt happiness, and belonging, good things were happening to me and for me. I would soon recognize that I was entering a childhood trauma bond relationship that would decimate all of the mental health work I’d done over the last few years. I felt the depression hit all over again when I was abandoned. It stayed with me heavily, it’s still here…with intensity variations and a constant changing form. It’s gotten smaller, although I’d prefer it to leave suddenly and all at once. If only healing was linear.


 

"Forgiving myself for staying in an emotionally abuse relationship."

Forgiveness- Forgiving myself for being an empath. Forgiving myself for seeing the best in everyone while being taken advantage of. Forgiving myself for staying in an emotionally abuse relationship. Forgiving myself for being in an emotionally abusive relationship without being conscious of it. Forgiving myself for presently fighting for this previously toxic relationship. I’m hard on myself, I’m aware. Individual and couples therapy has helped me change my self judgement into grace and compassion. Continuously working on forgiving myself fully.

 

"My heart space needed this emotional release to make space for the new healing and abundant energy that awaits to enter my life."

Release- This time of year has always been heavy for me. I needed this morning release. My heart space needed this emotional release to make space for the new healing and abundant energy that awaits to enter my life. The space was previously full. Full of grief, resentment, sadness, anger and most importantly pain. All-consuming empathetic pain that seems unimaginable for “normies” to feel. The pain still exists. My attempts to redirect it remains to be determined but and I’ll get there in time.

 

"This morning I realized that although it feels like my heart will burst into flames of pain if I have to live through anymore heartache, it’s worth it to experience the simple beauties of life."

Sunrise- Had I not started my morning with tears, I would have missed the sunrise. The sunrise was breathtaking and fleeting. Much like life moments it seems. I feel everything so fully and intensely. It’s quite the gift, it has also seemed like a punishment majority of the time. This morning I realized that although it feels like my heart will burst into flames of pain if I have to live through anymore heartache, it’s worth it to experience the simple beauties of life. Beauty and pain seem to coexist in my current space and time. This beauty exists for me to feel daily, I must continue fighting to appreciate it. The power is in the now, the present moment, not the past or the future…that’s what I keep telling myself.


Good Morning, Let’s Start Again.

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